All posts by zagzygg

A Turtle

I don’t intend to alienate anyone with political posts, or my rantings — when it is I rant — about anything, really. There are plenty of blogs and vlogs for that, many of which I’ve often read and watched. I’d intended this blog to be more literary and thoughtful. I considered deleting my previous posting, but I will let it stay, with the present disclaimer.

That said, I’m currently in no mood for politics. Forever, if necessity or common sense demand. Politics have done NOTHING positive for me. It’s like an addiction: It seems promising at first, but before you know it, it does nothing but take from you. Politics can cost you relationships with those closest, and most important to you. And for what? Something you have no control over, and can’t benefit you in any way.

Don’t believe the hype about activism. Politics as a whole may matter, but to the individual, unless it’s paying your bills, it’s nothing but heartache, delusion, and wasted effort.

And that’s exactly what happened this morning. I had a fight over politics with someone dear, though not so near to me, and I dropped her from my Facebook. That might not seem like the most serious rift, but it’s one of the last lines of communication we had, and it represents a deeper, more serious rift between us. It was a long time coming. We’ve been drifting apart for at least the last year, if not the past decade…

But the loss of her in this way still highlights the damaging effect of politics in my life.

I’ve lost my taste for it, and I am angry at myself, as well as at her. She is equally to blame for letting the political come between us, though I will admit the rift did not begin with our vastly differing worldviews. It’s always about relationships. With other people, within each of us, and, of course, between us.

But I don’t want to hear, see, or think about politics. I want to focus right now on something I have some control or influence over, that doesn’t make me want to kill someone, that doesn’t cause division and strife with the most important people in my life. I want only to spend my time and energy on things that could lead to something productive, some improvement in my life.

Politics is nothing but bad news.

The truth is, though it’s been 14 years since we were a couple, I’ll never stop loving her. I’ve told her that numerous times, but I’m pretty sure she never believed it. She doesn’t understand how that could be, and so she dismisses it.

Deep exhalation. Centering myself.

I’ll use this adversity, this tragedy of 40 acts, as an opportunity. There is nothing quite so motivating as loss in sparking the creative drive. Or so I’ve found. Even when it creeps slowly up toward you, so slowly and steadily you can watch it coming over the course of years, yet still not be able to prevent its inevitable arrival.

A few minutes ago I saw a turtle crawling across my driveway from my bedroom window. I rushed downstairs to get a closer look at it, though I’ve no idea what my hurry was about. It was only a foot from where I’d first seen it when I got outside.

There it was, slowly creeping across the concrete, and into the grass, though I don’t know if he even knew where he was going. I tried having a cordial conversation with the little fella — a box turtle with a carapace about five inches from front to back. He stopped his jaunty jog, and eyed me suspiciously for a minute or two, then went off on his merry way again. Not that one can actually tell if a turtle is merry. But at least he didn’t retreat into his shell. Or her shell. Whatever the hell.

So I just let her go. She is gone now. I’ll miss her. Forever, I’m sure.

And so I’m reminded of my favorite poem, by Ogden Nash.

“The Turtle”

The turtle lives ‘twixt plated decks
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle
In such a fix to be so fertile.

The West in Serious Trouble

Democrats today are the equivalent of the Republicans in the ’90s: Nutjobs who will bog down the country in constant investigations and accusations of “impeachable offenses” for the entirety of this presidency, which will have an inevitably weakening effect on the country.

The Republican 104th – 106th House Judiciary Committees were the beginning of the end for this country, the Neocon Bush Administration was the next step. The Obama Administration the third step. The Hillary Clinton admin was supposed to seal the deal.

Fact is, somehow, anti-American, anti-Western “forces” have gained all the power within this country, and in Europe, and they are close — very close — to the permanent destruction of Western Civilization. Electing Donald Trump gave us a tiny glimmer of hope, but they’ll NEVER stop trying to be rid of him, and be rid of US, the American people, and “Westerners” as a whole, as long as they’re in power.

We need to gain the heart to be rid of them. It won’t be easy. People have gotten too fat, too lazy, too dependent, and too ignorant.I hate to say it, but they rely entirely on one thing: Demographic appeals to women and non-white minorities. It’s classic Marxist ‘divide and conquer’ by looking for the weak points, the soft spots.

Things are worse than people realize. North Korea is taking advantage of Western instability, and firing missile tests that can reach Japan and the US. We need to take them out, but we can’t. They have a million-man standing army, are backed by China, and we don’t have the heart for war, and they know it.

Also, China has gotten their hands on EVERY American top secret piece of technological information on defense, including nuclear technology, and industrial technology that we have. They’ve just stolen it. HOW THE FUCK DID WE LET THAT HAPPEN? Why were those things online to steal? Why were they not 1960s-style TS-Compartmentalized on paper-only? There’s more going on here than meets the eye.

South Korea has seen the writing on the wall, and elected a government aligned with China. We’re about to lose the Korean War. Fuck. We essentially had that won 70 fucking years ago!

That will topple Japan. They won’t be able to resist Chinese hegemony. Europe will go. We will go, along with the rest of the Anglosphere.

We will be under the thumb of unelected globalist overlords, and China. Forever. “We the People” will NEVER have autonomy again. We will live under dictatorship forever.

And I’m sure no one will lift a finger other than to post the latest cat meme.

Most of elected members of Congress are under the thumb of globalists already, on both sides. That’s why they hate Trump so much. Trump is a threat to the bosses of the people we elect to represent us, but actually represent hidden, foreign interests.

This is bad. Really bad. And the few of us who can see it happening are almost powerless — other than the coup of electing Trump and pulling off Brexit, which is still up in the air, by the way.

As soon as they grasped total power over Western media, it was basically a done deal. It took decades, but we don’t have power over our message, as a people, and that’s the beginning of the end.

The same mistake

I started writing this entry in January, 2016, just after my first entry. I was in a strange state of mind — very depressed, largely due to taking Cymbalta, which I later found out I SHOULD NEVER, EVER TAKE — but I figured I’d post it now, after a bit of editing.

I was very morose. In a deep, dark hole. And the maudlin sentimentality reflects the state of mind I was in at the time.

Note that I was still vol-cel at the time. The issues I discuss here were not sexual, and I think I underestimated just how prevalent the assumption that ‘male attention toward a woman is always sexual’ actually is. Like I said, I was in a weird place, mentally and emotionally. I’m always struggling by January anyway.

I find the thinking morbidly empathetic and self-pitying. The style overly formal, neurotically overstated, and approaching the incomprehensible… but I’ll publish it now, after a little cleanup effort, if only to remind myself of where I was at that time, and where I don’t ever want to go back to…

I don’t want to make the same mistake.

There has never been a mistake I’ve ever made that I have the wisdom never to repeat. One does not live a lifetime on a first meal. Why then the insistence that we learn from our mistakes?

Among those mistakes that are my ‘existential Chinese food’ is the tendency to over-generalize a similarity with someone. No matter how many times it’s happened, I still sometimes find myself taking some small glimmer of similarity with a person, and wrongly projecting it into a broader compatibility. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking on my part, a hope of connection to another like mind that I discussed in my previous essay, “Contemplating Loneliness”.

Perhaps this over-generalization flaw is actually a reaction to its opposite: the inability to generalize, or predict, what other people are going to do in some social situations.

The same personality that can attract friends and lovers can provoke distaste, distrust, disgust, disapproval, disappointment, disregard, and occasionally disaster in some other person — which has at times baffled me. How can people be so different, yet so convinced they see ‘the reality’ of another person.

How can someone ‘dislike’ someone whom other people love?

I’ve realized a pretty young woman must get a type and quantity of attention that a man cannot even imagine. That amount of attention must be both a blessing and a curse. But it comes too easily; they’ve done nothing to earn it, and a suspicion of others, a lack of appreciation for the value of effort, and a false sense of somehow ‘deserving’ — setting her up for a profound shock later in life — is often the price.

The biggest mistake I think she can make is to think she has “earned” that attention. The second biggest mistake is to believe it’s more than ephemeral.

But most times, it seems, all she ever knows is that she’s made another wrong choice in whom to trust, and then only after the fact. Unless she learns she consistently makes the same mistake — the opposite of my own repeated mistake — she is doomed to either repeat┬áthat error in judgment, or become embittered and lonely.

It’s easy for me to avoid the ‘false positive’ error of trusting someone with whom I have nothing in common, or in whom I can see no quality of character. It’s always been with those I felt a commonality, and thought highly — leading to a false sense of familiarity — I have inadvertently learned these life lessons.

This fact would seem to lead inevitably into suspicion on my part, but that’s not what seems to happen for me, or for her. I’ve never learned to accurately predict how people will react to me, especially women, but I now try to imagine some past hurt she bore, and a scar she still wears, that causes her to continuously make the mistake of ‘the false negative’, or ‘the false positive’.

(I’m describing a self-sacrificing form of empathy. How noble of me.)

Is friendship predictive of a potential relationship with a woman, or is it an inescapable hole called ‘The Friend Zone’?

The only type of woman who has provoked romantic interest is the rare gem who is neither suspicious nor dismissive of me, implying that friendship and romantic interest overlap for me. But it often seems to work oppositely for women; many would never consider a relationship with someone they get along with — so utterly weird and twisted it seems to me!

The same set of traits that can cause one person to think I am fascinating can cause someone else to view me as a creep. I don’t know what life experiences have led to these radically differing interpretations of this same person — ME! — so I cannot stand in judgment, and thus I best not be offended.

A response to Muslim terrorism


There’s often talk about being “better than” extremists. That’s another psych-op intended to prevent any action toward self-defense. We’re not better than, and no moralistic position is relevant.

You do what you have to do to protect your society, and your people. Take a hypothetical scenario in which torturing and murdering a billion people would be necessary, and not doing so would result in the genocide of your own people…

Then you torture and murder a billion people. If you have any moralistic hesitation, then you should have no say whatsoever in the decision-making process.

It’s hypothetical. It’s a variation on a ‘reductio ad’ argument. But it outlines the basic principle: You do everything you need to do to protect your people, and maintain a liberal society of free expression for individuals and groups within your society.

Anyone who suggests it’s better to be destroyed than “sink to their level” needs to be marginalized.

Someone asked me, “What if humans are your people?”

What if a group of humans doesn’t believe ‘humans are their people,” and act accordingly. What you’re saying is idealistic, and not based in the real world. Distinction is difference. Can you distinguish one group of so-called “humans” reliably? Can the person next to you reliably make the same distinction? Can someone make the same distinction, and their neighbors make that distinction, and use it to call you an enemy?

The answer to those questions is ‘Yes’. That’s the real world. Family Resemblance Categories. Clustering phenomena. Organic social organization, as opposed to ‘idealistic’ (not based in real-world phenomena).

What if humans are your people, and humans destroy other humans based on distinctions you simply PRETENDED not to see? That’s what you’re recommending.

You’re playing nonsense games with language. I know it comes from a good place, you have no malice, but it’s another effect of the Bubble of the Success of Western Culture that causes a detachment from pragmatic, realistic understanding of relevant categories.

Besides, humans is not a species. There are no extant human species. “Human” is a genus. The picture above is a “human”… Homo habilis. It had a brain just larger than a walnut, was about 3-4 feet tall, covered with fur, could not use language, only used basic tools, but it could walk upright, though hunched over.

Excuse the following sarcasm, but I have a major reorganization in thinking to accomplish:

But why stop at humans? Why not include Family Hominidae? Chimpanzees and bonobos are your brethren. Power to the chimps!!

Keep going. Include all mammals. Naked mole rats are your brothers and sisters,

Phylum Chordata. Everything with a spine is related to you.

Kingdom Animalia. Slugs are people, too!

Selecting “humans” as your people is almost arbitrary. They share the ability to use language, and a few other basic similarities, but a close ancestor to Eurasians — but not sub-Saharan Africans — the Neanderthals, could not use much more than grunts and hand signals, and they went extinct so recently that one should consider them effectively “us” if you are White or Asian.

What ultimately matters is: What people will continue your culture? If you think all humans are the same, you’re deliberately creating a cognitive blindspot, using selective attention, and ideology over thought, and you will be surprised about just how narrow a group the real answer to that question is.

You don’t have any thoughts. You don’t have any ideas. You don’t have values or feelings, either. What you have, and what you have ONLY, is ‘fractal adumbrations’ — primordial echoes of all the evolutionary stresses your ancestors survived, and (IMPORTANTLY) that their brothers, sisters, and cousins did NOT survive.

That’s it. That’s all there is.

You cannot replaced that with someone who shares no common ancestry for the past 5000 to 200,000 years and expect them to have the same thoughts, ideas, values, to create the same culture, have the same in-group identity or inter-group attitudes, the same economic success, have the same anything. The Selfish Gene, and the genetic imperative wants you, and the legacy of your ancestors, GONE.

That’s it. That’s all there is.

You have ONE JOB, and it’s not the one that signs your paycheck every week or so per the employment contract, but is secretly trying to steal everything they can from you.

That ONE JOB is to create a safe, prosperous environment for your descendants, and the descendants of your close relatives. And you’re not doing it. You’re not doing your ONLY fucking job.

You let someone else, someone who you don’t even know who they fucking are, talk you out of doing your only job, so that they can get an advantage for their descendants at the expense of yours.

It may not happen in your lifetime (and maybe it will), but your children, your grandchildren, their children, will experience a type of violent brutality that you’ve never seen in real life, you’ve never seen on TV or movies, that you cannot even fucking IMAGINE, but which THEY will see FIRST-HAND as it is committed upon them and everyone they love.

At that moment, they will curse you for not doing your job. You won’t be there to hear, so I will do it for them now:

FUCK YOU. You had one job, and you didn’t do it. I’m finding it hard to include my standard “and I love you”… but I do. I must, or I’d not be making this effort, taking this risk. Nonetheless…

Just fuck you. And fuck me, too.

I’m still that annoying boy

Hug your mom every day if you can. I randomly did it this morning, pretending I was stuck to her and couldn’t pull myself off of her… just long enough to become slightly annoying.

I’m still that boy who expresses affection toward females by annoying them. I always will be. I constantly look for openings in the ‘social milieu’ to annoy women to whom I have some sort of attachment.

If they pull some sort of power-play, causing me real-world consequences, it doesn’t just end the annoying behavior… It severs the relationship. I never forget that kinda stuff. It’s not some sort of masculine “code” or test or power-play… It’s ‘the thing itself’… they’re willing to cause me harm. Just to one-up me. I understand what they’re telling me, even if they thought they “didn’t mean all that,” and I never forget it. It hurts the feelings I have for them. Of course it does. How could it not?

If they just ‘go silent’, it chills the relationship, and it takes a long time to warm up. I stop trusting them.

Otherwise, no, they don’t have a choice in the matter. I will try to annoy them. Trust me, it’s intended as an expression of affection.

The dynamic with men is similar, but very different. It’s assumed they won’t be annoyed, and thus becomes what’s called in the vernacular, ‘ball busting’. It’s actually quite fun, when it’s with a dude I know I can totally trust.

From an ‘objective perspective’, it’s a trait evolved to test and ‘cement’ relationships through taking a social risk. I put myself on the hook, and if someone yanks the line, they cannot be trusted.

There are very few forces in the world powerful enough to kill your “inner child.” They’ll try to convince you otherwise, coerce you into psychological suicide, but they’re lying. I’ve seen dudes come out of a men’s prison — one of the few places in the West that can really destroy a person — who still retain a sense of humor and playfulness. It may take a while to rediscover, but it’s still there.

The Secret of Life

I’ll let you all in on the Secret of Life:

If you can say ‘I love you’ to anyone and everyone, and mean it, you can literally say and do anything you want. Short of harm. Or committing crimes.

But, yeah. There ya go. Have fun with it.

Vol-Cel: Glorious Freedom

Becoming vol-cel is the most empowering thing a heterosexual man can do. Entering into the sexual marketplace today is like entering a business negotiation with no leverage; it’s sure to end in a bad deal. But opting-out unlocks all individual power one has. There are no constraints, no manipulation to be subjected to, no tiny cages to which to be relegated in exchange for an occasional treat and pat on the head…

It took a while… a long while… but I’ve come to understand the glorious freedom of this way of life, and I’d only give it up in the most unique and special of circumstances.

I’m not sure I could ever get to this point again if I ever gave it up from here on. It would be more difficult than trying to get sober again. Though it’s different, because alcohol offers absolutely zero payoff, but there is real potential benefit in a “good” sexual relationship… It’s just that it would require a phenomenal level of trust — given that all social, institutional, and legal power is in the hands of women, and that that fact is highly destructive to families and relationships.